What Should I Do With This!?

theredwonder · 07-25-2004, 04:53 PM

now this is another 5 minute jobby. i have no idea what it is, a poem, a song. i dont think its finished, i suppose i'd like to add more if its worth it. let me know what you think. constructive criticism please.

how can i explain this with the simple words i own
perhaps a passing brush of my leg on yours
or an arm around your shoulders whilst i stretch and yawn

it seems so complicated, i never can tell
perhaps the answer craved lies in the way i look
the forgotten speech your face so easily took

when you offer me a glance should i accept or hide in shame
keep the image cool, or let the facade fade away

the cherry in my cheeks will always strive to lend a hand
show my true desire and try to make you understand

Steerpike · 07-25-2004, 06:27 PM

This is a cute little number. I can easily see this becoming a nice, bluesy number, but that's me.

I assume there will be rewrites like with any work, but I think you can really build off of this. You've managed to pretty accurately capture the emotions and thoughts of the little scene here.

I don't know if I can accurately rate it, but I do think you're on to something here.

factor46 · 07-25-2004, 07:07 PM

"how can i explain this with the simple words i own"

this is the best line ive read in some time. i really liked this. i wouldnt change a thing. i would add a bit if it plans on being a song, but if its a poem...keep it as is.

8.5/10

btw...thanks for the crit on my song.

------------------------------------------------------

http://factor46.tripod.com

theredwonder · 07-25-2004, 07:15 PM

"this is the best line ive read in some time"

"You've managed to pretty accurately capture the emotions and thoughts of the little scene here."

thanks guys

kramerplayer · 07-26-2004, 04:15 AM

Hey,

This is a great start to a song. My only criticism is that the rhyming scheme is not constant. In the first stanza the 1st and 3rd lines rhyme and in the second the 2nd and 3rd lines rhyme. Maybe it's meant to be like that though.
Anyway. great work! Keep it up!

animated flowers · 07-26-2004, 06:01 AM

thats really good. and i think its worth writting more. and i think the ''rhyming scheme'' is just fine. you should write more to it. keep writting. =)

theredwonder · 07-26-2004, 07:50 AM

thanks all. i've wrote a couple more stanzas. i don't want this to be a long thing, so if this fits it could hopefully finish it off. let me know what you think again plz. (this would just follow on from the above)

how can i refrain from streaming words through fits of tears
weave sweet eternal works of art to captivate your ears

stare into a faultless look i'd love to know so well
avoid the complications, impart my heart to tell

factor46 · 07-26-2004, 08:26 AM

once again, good stuff. i'd add that on there and ther'd be your song. the thing i would do though, is change the stanzas from 2 lines to 4 lines. just by separating one line in the middle. i hope you know what im saying. like:

"how can i refrain from streaming words through fits of tears
weave sweet eternal works of art to captivate your ears"

...change that to:

"how can i refrain,
from streaming words through fits of tears,
weave sweet eternal works of art,
to captivate your ears."

i looks, and probably would sound better if you paused after each of the four lines when you sung it. anyways, still good. 8/10 overall.

---------------------------------------------------------------

http://factor46.tripod.com

theredwonder · 07-26-2004, 08:34 AM

cheers man. im gona rework it and post it... here we go

how can i explain this with the simple words i own
perhaps a passing brush of my leg on yours
or an arm around your shoulders whilst i stretch and yawn

it seems so complicated i never can tell
perhaps the answer craved lies in the way i look
the forgotten speech your face so easily took

when you offer me a glance
should i accept or hide in shame
keep the image cool
or let the facade fade away

stare into a faultless look
i'd love to know so well
avoid the complications
impart my heart to tell (you)

the cherry in my cheeks
will always strive to lend a hand
show my true desire
and try to make you understand

how can i refrain
from streaming words through fits of tears
weave sweet eternal works of art
to captivate your ears

stare into a faultless look
i'd love to know so well
avoid the complications
impart my heart to tell (you)

i couldnt rework the first few lines, it didnt sound right when playing. if i ever get an mp3 recorded i'll post it (as with all my songs) anymore crits would be appreciated

factor46 · 07-26-2004, 08:40 AM

nice.

could you crit mine?
http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=211794
-thanks man.

-----------------------------------------------------------

http://factor46.tripod.com

theredwonder · 07-26-2004, 02:21 PM

and a 1, and a 2, a 1,2,3,4 bumbumbumbumbumpaaaah

animated flowers · 07-26-2004, 02:29 PM

good job. =)

theredwonder · 07-26-2004, 06:34 PM

one last bumpity then i'll let it die

RollerQueen · 07-27-2004, 10:46 AM

This reminds me of Sunny Day Real Estate's "Every Shining Time You Arrive" or "Rain Song". It's easygoing. Usually, rhyme schemes annoy me, but I'll let this one slide because of its relaxed feel. Should this be a song, would it be acoustic? Due to the aforementioned SDRE feel, it'd sound nice with the right acoustic arrangement. I'd revise it a little bit, perhaps get rid of "facade". Your "Hollow Men" one is better, in part because of the subject matter and its execution, but this isn't too bad, either.

Steerpike · 07-27-2004, 02:26 PM

I'd like to hear this put to a tune. It's a nice little chorus, and I think this would really lend itself to an acoustic arrangement.

If you could drop by and give me some criticism on my newest work, that would be great.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=212812

07-25-2004, 04:53 PM	#1
theredwonder RAWR! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: In a little place called Home Posts: 3,436	What Should I Do With This!? now this is another 5 minute jobby. i have no idea what it is, a poem, a song. i dont think its finished, i suppose i'd like to add more if its worth it. let me know what you think. constructive criticism please. how can i explain this with the simple words i own perhaps a passing brush of my leg on yours or an arm around your shoulders whilst i stretch and yawn it seems so complicated, i never can tell perhaps the answer craved lies in the way i look the forgotten speech your face so easily took when you offer me a glance should i accept or hide in shame keep the image cool, or let the facade fade away the cherry in my cheeks will always strive to lend a hand show my true desire and try to make you understand Last edited by theredwonder; 07-25-2004 at 07:14 PM.

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07-25-2004, 06:27 PM	#2
Steerpike Ninja Pirate... Yarr! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zombietown, USA Posts: 14,409	This is a cute little number. I can easily see this becoming a nice, bluesy number, but that's me. I assume there will be rewrites like with any work, but I think you can really build off of this. You've managed to pretty accurately capture the emotions and thoughts of the little scene here. I don't know if I can accurately rate it, but I do think you're on to something here.

07-25-2004, 07:07 PM	#3
factor46 faces on. Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: North Port, Florida. Posts: 1,338	"how can i explain this with the simple words i own" this is the best line ive read in some time. i really liked this. i wouldnt change a thing. i would add a bit if it plans on being a song, but if its a poem...keep it as is. 8.5/10 btw...thanks for the crit on my song. ------------------------------------------------------ http://factor46.tripod.com

07-25-2004, 07:15 PM	#4
theredwonder RAWR! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: In a little place called Home Posts: 3,436	"this is the best line ive read in some time" "You've managed to pretty accurately capture the emotions and thoughts of the little scene here." thanks guys

07-26-2004, 04:15 AM	#5
kramerplayer Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: London, U.K Posts: 129	Hey, This is a great start to a song. My only criticism is that the rhyming scheme is not constant. In the first stanza the 1st and 3rd lines rhyme and in the second the 2nd and 3rd lines rhyme. Maybe it's meant to be like that though. Anyway. great work! Keep it up!

07-26-2004, 06:01 AM	#6
animated flowers everyones a junkie Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 85	thats really good. and i think its worth writting more. and i think the ''rhyming scheme'' is just fine. you should write more to it. keep writting. =)

07-26-2004, 07:50 AM	#7
theredwonder RAWR! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: In a little place called Home Posts: 3,436	thanks all. i've wrote a couple more stanzas. i don't want this to be a long thing, so if this fits it could hopefully finish it off. let me know what you think again plz. (this would just follow on from the above) how can i refrain from streaming words through fits of tears weave sweet eternal works of art to captivate your ears stare into a faultless look i'd love to know so well avoid the complications, impart my heart to tell

07-26-2004, 08:26 AM	#8
factor46 faces on. Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: North Port, Florida. Posts: 1,338	once again, good stuff. i'd add that on there and ther'd be your song. the thing i would do though, is change the stanzas from 2 lines to 4 lines. just by separating one line in the middle. i hope you know what im saying. like: "how can i refrain from streaming words through fits of tears weave sweet eternal works of art to captivate your ears" ...change that to: "how can i refrain, from streaming words through fits of tears, weave sweet eternal works of art, to captivate your ears." i looks, and probably would sound better if you paused after each of the four lines when you sung it. anyways, still good. 8/10 overall. --------------------------------------------------------------- http://factor46.tripod.com

07-26-2004, 08:34 AM	#9
theredwonder RAWR! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: In a little place called Home Posts: 3,436	cheers man. im gona rework it and post it... here we go how can i explain this with the simple words i own perhaps a passing brush of my leg on yours or an arm around your shoulders whilst i stretch and yawn it seems so complicated i never can tell perhaps the answer craved lies in the way i look the forgotten speech your face so easily took when you offer me a glance should i accept or hide in shame keep the image cool or let the facade fade away stare into a faultless look i'd love to know so well avoid the complications impart my heart to tell (you) the cherry in my cheeks will always strive to lend a hand show my true desire and try to make you understand how can i refrain from streaming words through fits of tears weave sweet eternal works of art to captivate your ears stare into a faultless look i'd love to know so well avoid the complications impart my heart to tell (you) i couldnt rework the first few lines, it didnt sound right when playing. if i ever get an mp3 recorded i'll post it (as with all my songs) anymore crits would be appreciated

07-26-2004, 08:40 AM	#10
factor46 faces on. Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: North Port, Florida. Posts: 1,338	nice. could you crit mine? http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=211794 -thanks man. ----------------------------------------------------------- http://factor46.tripod.com

07-26-2004, 02:21 PM	#11
theredwonder RAWR! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: In a little place called Home Posts: 3,436	and a 1, and a 2, a 1,2,3,4 bumbumbumbumbumpaaaah

07-26-2004, 02:29 PM	#12
animated flowers everyones a junkie Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 85	good job. =)

07-26-2004, 06:34 PM	#13
theredwonder RAWR! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: In a little place called Home Posts: 3,436	one last bumpity then i'll let it die

07-27-2004, 10:46 AM	#14
RollerQueen gone for a while Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Senioria Posts: 3,262	This reminds me of Sunny Day Real Estate's "Every Shining Time You Arrive" or "Rain Song". It's easygoing. Usually, rhyme schemes annoy me, but I'll let this one slide because of its relaxed feel. Should this be a song, would it be acoustic? Due to the aforementioned SDRE feel, it'd sound nice with the right acoustic arrangement. I'd revise it a little bit, perhaps get rid of "facade". Your "Hollow Men" one is better, in part because of the subject matter and its execution, but this isn't too bad, either.

07-27-2004, 02:26 PM	#15
Steerpike Ninja Pirate... Yarr! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zombietown, USA Posts: 14,409	I'd like to hear this put to a tune. It's a nice little chorus, and I think this would really lend itself to an acoustic arrangement. If you could drop by and give me some criticism on my newest work, that would be great. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=212812